Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
