Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
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I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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