WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
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Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.