Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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