I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
