My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
