Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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