saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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