That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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