they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
