the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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