sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I believe in your delicious
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
