he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A+ Viking dick
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
