I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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