the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.