This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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