What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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