Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
