The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
