Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I AM VODKA MAN
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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