Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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