A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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