tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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