Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
