today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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