dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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