I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
