This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
