we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
