god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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