Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
