im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
