I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My pussy is not your playground.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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