i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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