Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
