What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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