who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
