Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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