My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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