my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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