i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
