need another drink. this is the easiest way
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
