Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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