I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
