Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
