I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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