And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
