he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
