I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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