Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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