walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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