Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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