Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
