my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
