You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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