Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
