Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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