i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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